Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
