first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
