Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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