Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He better not be in your backpack
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
