last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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