so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
