This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
