I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
pop tarts are not kleenex
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
