Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Randomize
