You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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