I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
