I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
