I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
