We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
