So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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