My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
porn star boner night. come get it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize