you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
