Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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