i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
we're so committed to being not committed
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
