Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
