i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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