My first STD was from a foam party
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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