whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
