i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
