you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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