your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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