What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize