One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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