You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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