you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
