she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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