Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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