dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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