He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
