My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
