she woke up with a sticky ear
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
