i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
being pregnant is like rehab
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
