As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
