He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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