So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
