Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
