i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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