my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
