i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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