i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
