Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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