Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
