I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
