wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
