I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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