Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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