Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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