My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize