I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
