3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
