At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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