I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize