When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
