Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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