if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it glows. i had to have it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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