This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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