I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
