someone threw a dead crab at me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Well I just put wine in my tea
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
