I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
