don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
